My 1st Year as an International Student in Korea......

Whew! I made it!

This past year has been a journey indeed.  I began my studies in September of 2019 as a bag of mixed emotions. I had a lot of expectations concerning earning my degree in a new language. I was excited, nervous and also very afraid. Will I be able to comprehend my classes? Will I be able to make friends? What if this whole experience turns out to be absolutely horrible?? These were only a few of the questions which weighed heavy in my heart.

Surprisingly, my main hardship this past year was not related to my studies. Rather, it was associated with the new culture and people I now had to learn to understand, adapt and live with. The first few months were largely composed of teary nights spent in confusion trying earnestly to understand the mindset of my new society.

I had watched many videos on YouTube prior to moving here. I am quite a practical person and therefore wanted to know the reality of those who lived or were still living in Korea, particularly those who looked just like me. I wanted the raw truth so I watched many videos on both 'good' and 'bad' experiences. Regrettably, second-hand experiences never compensate nor fully prepare you for first-hand experiences. Granted, I learned a lot from those videos which came to be very useful in helping me sort through many thoughts, emotions and misunderstandings.

This post is by no means a rant or a complaint, I just want to share my feelings with you all. I will share with you all one of the main things which really affected me this first year. Back home in London, we are fairly direct when we speak to one another. Actually, I think I can go as far as to say in most western countries, we have this culture. We tend to say exactly what we mean and if we don't the other party can usually tell because we add (whether consciously or unconsciously) a sarcastic sting to what we say.

I will give a very typical but extremely problematic example for us foreigners here in Korea. I say us because I am not the first nor the only one to have mentioned this particular example, there are hundreds of us, possibly even thousands. This issue however requires an understanding of the Korean culture and language itself in order to be able to grasp why it happens.

Ok, let's do some role play. In our role play, we have three characters - Ama (Expat), Sophia (Ama's foreign friend) and SuJin (A new potential Korean friend to Ama).

It's Ama's first month at her new university in Korea. She's been struggling through this month, not because of her studies but because she just simply can't seem to understand her Korean peers. She shares her concerns with another international student she met at the orientation, Sophia. SuJin, one of Ama's only Korean friends is also present.  Sophia asks Ama to explain in detail and give her some examples of her concerns. Ama proceeds to do so :

Ama : So since we started university, I have had many Korean students approach me with such excitement asking to be my friend and saying "I want us to become really good friends!". I was personally shocked with the enthusiasm but rationalised it as relating to the fact that I am an international student. I don't know anyone here yet so of course I said yes to everyone that approached me. We exchanged contact details and they would send me loads of messages at first. Of course at the beginning they asked basic questions such as 'which country do you come from?' 'how old are you?' 'why did you decide to come to Korea?'........

Then they would ask to go to lunch or dinner etc. To which I would respond with asking when they were available to do so. A pretty natural response right? But this is when things would get extremely weird. They would literally simply disappear! I'm not even joking Sophia....like some of them would read my message asking when they were available, not respond and then that would literally be the end of that.

Sophia : Huh?

Ama :  I worked on a presentation for a class with a group of some Korean students. In preparing our presentation, we spoke a lot via texting. However, when we would see each other in class or outside of class, I would try to greet them and I would literally be ignored point blank.

Sophia : Stop it! What?!

Ama : That's what I am saying!! I don't understand what's going on. Like is there something wrong with me? Are they simply being fake when they speak or is there something more to this?

SuJin : I can explain.....*sigh*. I know how hard this particular issue is for foreigners and I'm sorry they made you feel that way Ama. Basically this kinda goes way back. During the Korea war, food was scarce so upon meeting, people would often ask each other "have you eaten?". You see, food was really important during those times and eventually became an important part of our culture. So much so that it became integrated into our language. When we meet each other or when we say goodbye, we have the standard greetings, but alongside these, we also tend to ask each other when we meet "Have you eaten?". When we are saying goodbye to each other, we tend to say "We should grab lunch/dinner/a drink soon." See we don't actually  mean we should ACTUALLY grab lunch/dinner/a drink, it is just a goodbye greeting. Many foreigners understandably take this to mean we really want to grab some food and seek to put a date in the diary which sometimes freaks us out.

Ama : But that's what I don't understand SuJin....why say something you don't mean? Why not just simply say "see you later..." or "it was nice to meet you, see you around..." etc. And the fact that many people ask for lunch/dinner etc more than once makes the whole situation even more confusing.

SuJin : I know, we also struggle to understand why foreigners take that greeting seriously because it is part of our greeting culture.

Ama : *sigh* I guess I can understand that.....so how can you tell when the other person actually truly means they want to have lunch with you?

Sophia : YEA! That's what I wanna know too hahaha

SuJin : hahaha, well they would usually follow it up with asking you about your availability 

Ama : Nahhhh, lool many of them have done that and yet still ghosted so beautifully on me I was left stunned into silence lol.

SuJin : hahahaha, no what I mean is that they would offer actual dates. For example, they would be like "how about this Sunday at 12, are you busy?" "Do you like pork, I know this really good place, let me send you the menu so you can have a look" "we could take the bus there, it only takes 10mins"......do you catch my drift? Otherwise, you can also attempt to offer dates and if they respond in trying to agree on a date with you, then you know they are actually serious about going to eat out with you.

Ama & Sophia : Ahhhhhhhhhh

Ama : That's just sooo long though!! A lot of indirects that need to be sorted through to get to the direct message lol. Why not just say what you really mean? I find that this is not the only situation where there is this cultural clash. If I don't like something, I will quite clearly say it. However, I find a lot of my Korean peers tend to mask their true feelings about things/people. It makes it hard to read them or know if they really like something/you or if they are simply saying they do in order to 'save face'?

SuJin : Yea that is another cultural aspect of Korea.... But I think this is actually an overall Asian culture - 'saving face'. You want to look good in front of others, so you put your best foot forward and suppress your true feelings about something in order to seem good to the other person. This one is hard.

Ama : Yea it is. But you know what, now that I understand where these cultural differences come from and why they happen, I actually feel a little better. I can't lie, I don't like or agree with it, but I can understand my Korean peers a little better. It just makes my experience here tasking and making friends even more difficult.

And guys, this is where I am right now lool. I understand why it happens, but that doesn't make it any easier. Don't get me wrong, I have met some amazing people during my first year here but I guess my definition of friendship may vary from others here. I consider friends people who have regular and consistent communication, even if it is a simple "hey hope you're doing good! I was thinking of you." A friend is someone you can share your concerns  and life with and even if they don't understand what you may be struggling with, they try their best to be compassionate  but also objectively tell you the truth. Friends don't make you feel like the relationship is just one way. You both try to make the relationship work in a friendship because you both want the friendship. 

So I guess my point here is......I am struggling with the new friendship terrain here in Korea. I can only hope I will get the hang of it soon and will be able to make some life-long friends as I have back home in London.

I won't even apologise for this long post as you all should know this about me by now! Haha! I hope you managed to read through it all and enjoyed it and I will see you in the next one!

Speak Soon. X